Dear … courage,
I think that you and I are pretty well acquainted, these days. I’ve called on you a lot. From doing a presentation at work to sending that first message on a dating website, you’re constantly within me. I’ve needed you to get through ordinary days, when things have fallen apart and I’ve needed to be brave for the sake of my children. Sometimes I’ve needed you when I’ve said yes to something that might seem brave, but might equally seem stupid; giant treks across the North York Moors, doing the Rapha Women’s 100 ride when I hadn’t sat on a bike in months, wild swimming in a freezing cold lake.
Although courage is about bravery, it stems from a word for the heart. Oh, courage, you and I are even closer in this way. Most of my behaviour and decisions come from my emotions now. I try to be courageous as I seek my truth. Find my way in the world. My closest friend described me this week as ‘adventurous, curious and fierce’ and I can only hope to be those things as much as I can. But sometimes I fail. Sometimes I just can’t find you.
And sometimes, if I’m honest, I’m tired of needing you. Tired of trying to be brave. Sometimes, I feel like I want to be rescued, instead of always battling to rescue myself. Sometimes, at the moment, it feels like my ‘real’ life is on hold as it is taking so long to recover (practically, not emotionally) from my last relationship. It’s tiring. But I shall keep on going. Much like my behaviour on some of those physical challenges, I will not waver. I won’t be the fastest, I won’t win any prizes. But I’ll see it through to the end.
And I will continue to do the things that scare me. To say yes to opportunities that frighten me a little, that I don’t feel ready for. For, who is really ready? I think we all need to keep you close, courage, if we admit it to ourselves. We need you, all of us.
I need you.
So, you’d better get acquainted with future me, because you’re going to be hanging out together a lot. It’s at this point, I should probably let you know that, although I can’t run right now, I’m planning to sign up for the Kielder Half Marathon soon. So I’ll need you free on that day. It’s going to be hard. And I’ll need you when I go on dates with the lovely man that I’ve just met. And when I launch my business. When I teach a workshop. And when I go to Iceland. You know how I feel about flying.
I need you every minute of every day. Sometimes just to keep my head up. To help me tread water so that I don’t sink. And sometimes to take big bold leaps into the unknown. It all counts…
Read more of my April Love posts over on my Instagram page.